12 seconds to a better body. 12 seconds to a new lease on life! That's right, what if I told you that you could have more confidence, a leaner physique and rock hard abs in 12 seconds? With my new 12-second workout plan you'll be ON YOUR WAY! Don't have time to get to the gym? Don't worry about it! Just give me 12 seconds and I'll have you looking better in no time.
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Video awesomeness courtesy of the stellar 12secondstv.
You know what this Monday needs? Okay, besides narcotics. Adorableness bordering on illegal! I give you - The unbearable cuteness of pandas:
Panda clusters!
Can't I stay up 1 more hour, puullleeezzz?
Honk shu, honk shu, honk shu.
I didn't touch it, I swearz!
Do you have a napkin?
Nom, nom, nom.
Hai, I can breakdance! Hollah at your boy!
He'll never see me back here (shhhh!)
Won't you come play with me? I'm so boredddd! (Want.to.nibble.ears.SO.BAD)
I want to LIVE THERE.
Panda caught in the headlights.
Hey, go get your own tree, punks!
More milky cuteness! Argh!
Holy crap I can't take much more cuteness. Somebody stop the onslaught!
Derrr, I'm stuck in a tree. Where's my bottle? I'm tired.
Panda nap time of unreal snuggliness. I just want to curl up in the middle there, they'd make room for me, right?
You know you'd let me sleep in your bed. I'm a rilly good spooner.
This post was only made possible due to the coolness of my sister-in-law. The sis who should really have her own blog, as she is one of the most interesting and clever girls I know. You know you are, girl.
The PB&J of dining out. Two great tastes that go great together. You can keep your Sapporo and your sake, I'll take a fruity martini .... or 2.
Pomegranate and lychee martinis. As a tiny umbrellaholic (oh sorry, the technical term is cocktail parasolaholic) I was thrilled when the martinis arrived. Yes of course I stuffed it in my purse and brought it home. I simply couldn't help myself!
I didn't think I would love eel, but grilled eel is so incredibly good it's criminal. Hence the double order.
This about sums up our sushi dining experience. Sippy cup, spicy tuna broken open and a big empty spot where something delectable used to be. Oh and Philly rolls: salmon and cream cheese? Yes please.
Guess what bitches? It's my birthday! And you know what that means? I can write about any damn thing I want!!
....
Wait, what? You mean I can write about anything I want all the time? It's my blog? Well crap, just take the wind out of my sails on my goddamn birthday why don't ya?! Now where was I? Oh yeah, vigorous proclamations.
Today I'm getting on my soapbox and refusing to eat cake. Why is everyone so pro-cake on your birthday? Just give it a rest people, I'm not having a slice. I'm too focused on the diet plan I'm constructing, sculpted out of ruthless discipline and deep, deep self-loathing.
My diet plan that will soon be sweeping the nation: The Eating Disorder Diet. Forget low-carb, low-fat, high-protein, eating for your blood type, cookie diet, shake diet, cabbage soup diet. This is where real results begin. Just choose any options from the food groups below. Oh, and these are rather broad extrapolations of "food." Suspension of disbelief helps.
The 4 (actually 5, shhh) food groups are:
Ice: Drinking things ice cold makes you burn a few more calories as your body has to heat up the liquid to body temperature. Let's be clear here, the amount of calories is rather minuscule, 25 extra calories for every 1/2 liter of ice water consumed but to an eating-disordered person this is like FREE calorie burning. Also, munching ice almost resembles eating actual food, and you get to miss chewing after awhile. Interestingly enough, this practice is completely contrary to the Chinese medicine belief that HOT foods stimulate chi and help boost your metabolism and COLD foods are stagnating and should be avoided. You'll have to just make your own decision on this one.
Liquids: Valid options include unsweetened coffee and tea, diet sodas, diet lemonade and water. Lemons have a diuretic effect so double bonus points. Karen Carpenter loved her some lemons! Hot tea and coffee will actually make you feel a little full and keep your tummy less rumbly. Feel free to mix it up and alternate between hot drinks and iced drinks. See how many exciting variables there are in this diet? If you are feeling like splurging, add Splenda. Yum!
Low and No-Calorie Foods: Sugar-free gum (5 to 10 calories), sugar-free jello, diet hot chocolate eaten out of the packet, and almost all vegetables. Iceberg lettuce anyone? Most noobs will start out eating fruits and other real foods they think are healthy in the initiation period, but during the transition and maintenance phases you'll have to let those go.
Stimulants: Anything as ordinary as caffeine all the way up to methamphetamine, Adderall, and clenbuterol (originally used to treat asthma in horses). Your metabolism is going to nosedive once you stop eating and your body starts cannibalizing your muscles so you're gonna need some juice to get you through the day. Has anybody seen my bottle of No Doz laying around? ...
Purgatives, natural and otherwise: Laxatives like castor oil, prune juice, ExLax, enemas, etc. If you eat, and you will eventually break down and cheat, I mean eat, you are going to need some of these to help get that food out as quickly as possible. Also, the less you eat the more sluggish your whole digestive tract is going to be. Nobody said this was going to be a bed of roses people, suck it up! Do you want to be emaciated or not?!
So there you have it. My simple ED plan all laid out for you. Just combine this eating plan with excessive exercise and a vociferous body dysmorphia and you will be wasting away in NO time. Cheers fatties!
Confession time: I love to dance. I've spent years and years (and years and years) taking classes and workshops and practicing footwork drills so I'm not half bad. I'm not bragging, it's just simple science that hours of practice + $$$ + blisters + sweat + "sorry, can I try that again?" = good dancer. If I had devoted this much time to, say, phlebotomy, I'd probably be rather skilled at that by now.
A few years back, thinking that I was a reasonably capable dancer, I got all excited to go to Camp Hollywood, a huge swing camp held every summer in Los Angeles. Home of the National Jitterbug Championships, it brings in the top dancers and instructors from all over the world. Note that last little word there at the end of that sentence: world. Oh you may be a talented dancer amongst the handful of people you dance with. But then you go and throw World-Class Professionals into the mix and watch out, you get sucky real fast.
In it's purest form, swing is almost entirely improvised. In a Jack and Jill, you are randomly paired up with a partner and have to make it look good so you don't even get the benefit of familiarity with your partner. Here is an example of what this is supposed to end up looking like. This video features Nick Williams and Carla Heiney. I'm gonna repeat this again, this is im-pro-vised on the fly. She doesn't know what he's gonna throw down and he just does what he feels fits best with the music and suits his partner. Very hard skill to master and Nick and Carla hit the breaks nicely in this one:
Getting to take classes from famous dancers (like Nick and Carla above) you have only ever seen on DVDs and YouTube is another great reason to go to dance camp. I became a blubbering crazed fan at the mere thought of getting to breathe ... the ... same .... air as they were. That girl in the corner with the slack jaw and hanging on every word? Yeah, that'd be me.
But the competitions are what keeps me coming back year after year. You can watch video clips of amazing aerials and lightning fast footwork 'til you're blue in the face but nothing compares to seeing people dance this kick-ass in person. How did she know to do that right there, in perfect time with him? Did you see how he threw her in the air and she grabbed him and flipped him over her head and then he spun her around and played bongo-drums on her butt? Incredible!
Like a shot of adrenaline watching these people engage with the music and spontaneously express the song? You betch-ya. Inspirational and uplifting? Yes and yes. But then your brain catches up with the action and informs you, quite loudly actually, that it's realized you've made a horrible miscalculation and begins to fill your veins with the same horror you would feel if you were about to plow into a giant asteroid. Redirect, hard rudder to the right, abort, abort.
Watch all you want, oh yeah, soak it up but for the love of God don't get out there and try to move your limbs, you fool! Don't you have eyes in your head?!
You see, your brain has come to the realization that what you have been doing all this time, classified by you incorrectly as "dancing," must in fact be something else entirely because clearly this display you see before you is actual "dancing." What you have been doing and pawning off as dancing is really more akin to syncopated seizure episodes. How could you lie to your brain like that? Your brain is pissed now, trust this. You're about to get pwned by your own mind! Damn.
It's okay, that's just dance camp hazing and everyone has to go through it. Breathe, let the shaking subside, go out to the bar set up in the lobby and get yourself a stiff drink. Then get in there and hit it! Camp Hollywood is almost here, so if you're in the LA area, swing by and check it out.
Oh and if you hate boring old music check this out. Ben and Sheri (great teachers, right in Pasadena) bringing down the house with Footloose, newer boring old music:
Well it's Thursday and you know what that means ... It's not Friday yet! Oh, and we get to have a caption contest. So let's get right to it. I don't really have anything to say about this picture other than HOLY CRAP WTF?
Okay perfection-obsessed peoples, totally enamored with having everything just so, I have a bone to pick with you. I'm not sure this is such a good idea as a life's goal, or would even be admirable if it was attainable. Which it isn't. I'm not being whiny here, I just think your purpose is to live the best reality you can and be the youest you possible.
My touchstone for raw honesty of being is Maria Callas. Not a typical '50s beauty, with what was described as an "ugly-beautiful" voice, she went through men and roles like a house fire. Remember the '50s were more amenable to pretty, pristine princesses like Donna Reed, Peggy Lee, and Grace Kelly. Headstrong and opinionated, she never tried to be what she wasn't and she never compromised her vision.
Here she is singing Tosca's Vissi d'arte. Her voice was prone to wobbles, sobs, and wails and she was a polarizing force in opera, with people either loving or hating her sound. In this video, you can particularly hear the huge wobble at about 2:50 and her voice almost breaks in half at about 3:19. Still, I can't find any imperfection in the imperfectness of it and flawed as it is, and I wouldn't change a thing.
Compare that to Renata Tibaldi, her arch rival and the "safe soprano", doing the exact same aria. Impeccable and perfectly executed. Not a note out of place, no loss of control, no errors. So it's perfect then? Which feels more true? Which sounds more real?
Don't get freaked out by my super-serious sounding post. I just love Callas singing that aria and needed an excuse to post it. Badoink!
